The U.S. Court of Appeals for the 2nd Circuit (the alma mater of the great Learned Hand!) made a great and Godly decision recently. They reviewed a bold and manly program to conduct random and suspicionless searches of commuters wishing to ride the series of subterranian tubes beneath New York City. The abscence of any specific terror threat, and the abscence of any evidence that such searches deter terrorists, did not stop the court from making the right decision: they found that totally unwarranted and intrusive searches of random citizens does not offend that Johnny-come-lately Amendment IV of the Holy Constitution.
The court relied on the so-called 'special needs' doctrine. Ordinarily, a warrantless and suspicionless search is presumptively unreasonable, and thus unconstitutional. But the special needs doctrine holds that a suspicionless checkpoint search system may be lawful if, as a threshold matter, it can be shown that the program has as its immediate purpose an objective distinct from evidence gathering asociated with criminal investigation. Given such a condition, the court may then weigh the competing considerations, including:
- the weight and immediacy of the government interest in conducting the searches,
- the nature of the privacy interest at stake and the character of the intrusion,
- the efficacy of the program in advancing the government interest.
The court found that the because the officers only search for explosives and citizens may refuse to be search (though they cannot then enter the subterranian tubes), that the character of the program was that of a special need, not law enforcement. They further found the government's interest to outweigh those of tube travelers.
This is wise policy and should be seriously considered for application to our system of aeroplane stations. Recently a FOX News orator made the manly suggestion that a separate system of searches be instituted for the use of the Mohammedian heretics. I believe this may be just such a special needs exception as the court used in this case of the subterranian tubes of New York. Obviously, the purpose of separating out the heretics and subjecting them to special scutiny is not normal law enforcement investigation. Clearly, the purpose is to put the heretics on notice that they are not wanted in America and must not attempt to fly upon our aeroplanes lest they be subject to searches of their privy cavities. This plainly fits within the special needs doctrine.
Given that we will only search for anything that is not actually a part of the heretics body that could conceivably be used as a weapon, incendiary, explosive, or any sort of tool or contrivance, and that the heretics can refuse a search by avoiding an area within roughly 50 miles of an aeroplane station, the Second Circuit's reasoning is plainly four-square with the proposed Mohammedian aeroplane station queue program.
My manly juices are swelling at the possibilities this line of reasoning opens. We could could have a special needs search of liberal nancy-boys and girls at polling places to ensure the safety and traquility of proper God-loving citizens whilst casting their holy votes. All the liberal faggotry-lovers need do to avoid a good rogering with a constable's nightstick is avoid the polls on election day. Yes, the Second Circuit's decision is obviously the result of Divine inspiration and Lordly reason.
I must now attend to my horse. My manservant informs me that the coating of lard is complete, and she is ready for mounting. I must not keep the neighborhood urchins waiting: they do so love to watch the thews of my thighs contract as I ride the mare, lathered in sweat and grease, to the finish line
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