By Michael Bryan
Let's give the new web ad by Arizona Congressional candidate Ben Quayle The Dirty treatment, shall we? Feel free to crack wise in the comments.This is Ben Quayle. His claim to fame is being even prettier and even less intelligent than Daddy. Not an easy legacy to fulfill.
What is with the mint green tie? What kind of Republican wears a green tie? Too soothing, too ecological. Red and blue are the only proper neckwear colors for a real Republican - preferably together. But maybe he's sending a coded message to his fellow freedom fighters in Iran? Or he just read The Secret and he's attracting donations with his money tie? Who knows? I just know that a green tie is just down-right un-Republican. Here's a selection of suitably Republican ties, Ben.
And Ben, I gotta tell you, your shoulders are maybe 16 inches across and your neck looks to be about 15 inches. You gotta stop shopping in Daddy's closet; his shirts are just too big for you.
Fortunately, you can't see below the waist in this video. Here's a still of what Ben is wearing below the waist during the shoot:
The first "scene" features Ben's mug in close up while he intones with dramatic pauses so that you know he's serious and not, you know, pullin' your leg, "Barack Obama is the worst President in history." The tight frame is so we can see that, yes, Ben is wearing video makeup and he's not naturally that shade of orange. Don't be alarmed for young Ben's kidney function. He's fine. This is just early-stage politician coloration. If he's elected, then he'll get his permanent video coloration.
Next Ben frets about "my generation" inheriting Barack's legacy. That could be confusing until you realize that at 33 Ben still considers himself a "youth" voter. Ben, I'm afraid to inform you, you aren't a college kid anymore. You need to stop binge drinking and negging the chicks.
Did you know that Obama is responsible for the existence of drug cartels in Mexico? Neither did I. Thanks, Ben, for your incredible insight! And did you know there are "tax cartels" in D.C.? Shit. I gotta get my gat. You mean that there is a criminal organization which is pedaling illegal tax cuts to the super-wealthy? It's called the GeeOhPee. You down wit' GeeOhPee, Ben? Ben, you aren't telling tales out of school on your own party now, are you?
But Ben's not done. Hell, he's only halfway through with this joint, bitch. He loves Arizona, man! He was raised right, man! By a prescription drug addict mother and a running joke of a father! Struggling daily with the soft bigotry of low expectations and the narcotic effects of silver suppositories. That's how he rolls. Word.
Now Ben's standing up to break his foot off in Barack's ass. Watch out, Ben is going - right now, dammit - to Washington to knock the hell out of the place! Run, Barack, run! Ben's got his ass insertion face on!
As if the self-parody weren't good enough, some dude thinks he's funnier than Ben. Not fuckin' likely. Bring it!
Nah, Ben's funnier.