Link: Republican Heaven, The Year 2020
by Patrick McGann
Welcome back from your little nap. Here's America. How do you like it?
Having achieved a "Permanent Majority" under the architecture of Newt Gingrich and Karl Rove, Republicans have controlled both houses of Congress and the White House for two decades.
Driven by a robust demand for U.S. flag lapel pins (now mandatory by law), and by highly profitable private prisons, where the pins are made, Republicans are crowing this year! The nation's largest prison provider, Halliburton, announced its 20th consecutive year of record profits. And after a prolonged period of consolidation, book publishing is rebounding as Bible production ramps up to comply with the replacement of all school text books with the King James version. Most economists, still employed, credited tax cuts.
Final phase of tax reform completed!
The last phase of tax reform has been completed. Itemized deductions are now allowed on the national sales tax for qualified individuals who spend more than $100,000 on selected items, including jewelry, furs, German and Italian automobiles over $75,000, boats over 25 feet long, real estate, stocks and stock options, certificates of deposit, limited partnerships, oil paintings by the masters, and small, medium and large businesses. Going the way of the income tax, eliminated in 2012 -- in order to spur investment -- property taxes have been eliminated on first, second, third, fourth or more residences valued over $500,000 each. Said Senator Riley Stickem, R- Utah, "Now the tax burden is more fairly placed on those who cause the costs."
IRA's become IRA's!
The last vestiges of Social Security, known now as Individual Responsibility Accounts, became history when Congress merged it with Individual Retirement Accounts. In an editorial, the Wall Street Journal celebrated the merger, writing: "Now with a little more than one in five Americans over the age of 65 on the streets begging for crumbs and rags and with a prospect of living not much beyond age 68, all younger Americans can easily see what can happen if you don't invest wisely, amply or luckily. Look around you, young Americans, and straighten up; that could be you -- not us for sure, but maybe you in 40 years."
New minimum wage!
Once again, the automatic provisions of leading economic indicators has adjusted the minimum wage for maximum economic utility. It is now $2.35, a drop of 47 cents! And once again America is poised to see another huge increase in job creation. While bulldozer sales are down, shovel sales are way up!
Progress in Iraq!
President Potter announced that significant progress has been made in the war in Iraq, now in its 17th year. He noted that freedom is on the march and that price of leaving too soon is too horrible to contemplate. "Iraqis yearn for freedom," he said. "And they're still yearning. The terrorists don't want them to have it. We will stay the course and we will prevail. We will prove that democracies are peaceful, no matter the toll in blood and treasure and disintegration of political opposition here at home."
Free of the UN!
President Potter announced that significant progress is being made in the wars in Iran, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Indonesia, the Philippines and Korea, too. "Since we pulled out the United Nations, and it moved to Portugal, we never have to say we're sorry and we don't have to go crawling to a bunch of talk-talk-talk diplomats to beg permission to defend ourselves ever again," said the president. "We can't afford to be isolated, but then again, we can't make the rest of the world like us if they don't want to."
Al Qaida No. 2 killed!
Huz Bin Pharten, the notorious second in command of Al Qaida, was gunned down in Chicago yesterday when he was spotted making a left turn in his Yellow Cab without using his turn signal. U.S. Army Special Forces units patrolling Lake Shore Drive announced that they killed only seven civilians this time, a new record, attributing it to the fast reflexes of Chicagoans. Col. Max Hertz of Delta Team Tango said, "When you've been on the front lines in the war on terror as long as we have, you just know when you have a big fish in your sights."
New federal prisons!
Halliburton was awarded its largest prison contact yet with plans to build 17 new prisons, most to manufacture those yellow magnetic "Support the Troops" stickers, now mandatory and thus ease the trade deficit. Prison Division CEO Hasty Pickins said, "We want to assure the American people we can keep up with demand. Now that one in four Americans is in prison in America and one in ten Mexicans is in prison in America, we intend to keep those good prison guard jobs here at home!"
Border security increased!
The House voted overwhelmingly today to add another 20 feet of height to the Mexican wall, taking it up to 60 feet at a cost of $1.5 trillion. "The American people can sleep safe in their trailers tonight knowing the Republican Party has increased border security by nearly 50 percent," said Ann Coulter, Speaker of the House. "We have also added another 22 years onto the penalty for being caught in the U.S. illegally, bringing the total up to 188 years per offense." The longer prison terms will be added onto those currently in prison as well. "We don't want to reward those who broke the law just because they broke it earlier," she said. "Clearly, we needed a stronger deterrence. They just keep coming. "
Social issues debate rages
For the 24th consecutive year, and after rancorous, spittle throwing debate, Congress was unable to pass constitutional amendments to ban gay marriage, flag burning and replace the ten Bills of Rights with the Ten Commandments. The rural religious right was dejected but vowed to fight on and vote GOP! Republicans blamed obstructionist Democrats. The religious right seemed to buy that.
Congress passes Energy Bill
With gasoline edging up over the $15 per gallon mark, Senate Republicans passed a sweeping $44 billion energy bill that will give tax cuts and incentives to oil companies to drill more oil, run more informational television commercials and increase their lobbying efforts tenfold. Said President Potter, "When you're addicted, like we are to oil, you damn well better take care of your pusher." One official at the U.S. Department of Exxon Mobil said, "This is great, but really, we haven't paid a dime in taxes since the Cheney energy bill of 2003. Besides, why the hell would we want to drill more oil anyhow?"
Crumbling infrastructure, an end to gasoline taxes, the demise of public transportation, the sudden rise of walking and bicycle peddling, and the rapidly increasing rise in food prices, Surgeon General Barbie Dahl declared victory in the battle of the bulge! "Americans are skinny! And cute!" she beamed. "And tan!"
Economy booms again!
U.S. Agency of Commerce, a division of the U.S. Department of Fatherland Security, released results of a three year, $6 million study showing that MORE AMERICANS THAN EVER ARE WORKING AND THE REASON IS TAX CUTS. The 12-word study was conducted by an independent study arm of the Republican Party, named Stu.
Crime Bill expected to sail through!
House members were set to vote on a bold new anti-crime initiative, extending the death penalty to bankruptcy, late loan payments and getting sick or injured without health insurance. The U.S. Department of the National Rifle Association also succeeded in attaching an amendment making it a crime punishable by boiling in oil for any police officer to confiscate any gun whatsoever for any reason. The amendment was opposed by the newly created U.S. Department of Halliburton, noting replacement costs for prison guards and privatized police departments.
Liberalism hearings continue!
"Are you now or have you ever been a liberal!" shouted Senator Ima Fascie, R-Kan. during her ongoing hearings into the Insidious Effect of Liberals on America. "I refuse to answer that question," said an aging Bill O'Reilly. "Oh, yeah," said Sen. Fascie. "Then what is the difference between a loofa and a falafel? Don't tell me you don't know. All liberals know the difference! You've been to Boston, haven't you? And to Seattle? You're a dirty damn liberal."
Medicare Part W!
Senior citizens will begin receiving their new Medicare Part W packets in the mail this week, outlining a series of new Republican improvements. Weighing 92 pounds, the first of seven installments, is being delivered Wednesday, the 5th, with the rest following daily until Wednesday of next week, the 12th. Seniors have until this Friday the 7th to make their selections. President Potter said, "We worked really hard on this. Really hard. Just check the boxes and get it back. The key is to not think about it too much. I'd guess if I were you." Seniors unable to complete the forms in time will automatically be enrolled in Option 86, which costs $2,200 monthly and provides an expired half-used bottle of aspirin, 12 Scooby Doo Band-Aids, two visits to a preferred-list veterinarian and one to a pentecostal faith healer per quarter.
Endangered species delisted!
Interior Secretary Gala Hory held a news conference to announce that the endangered species list has been reduced to just five species: the mule deer, mallard duck, channel catfish, common crow and monarch butterfly. "With the final extinction of the Rocky Mountain elk, the bluebird, Chinook salmon and the ruffed grouse, there is no need to maintain them on the endangered species list any more." The oldest serving Congressman, Dick Pombo, R-Calif, twirled his electric wheel chair in a circle and hooted like an extinct spotted owl, "Just five to go! This is a victory for private property rights and nearly the culmination of a lifelong dream!"
Safe Water act becomes law!
Passed in early April and signed by President Potter, the Safe Water Act becomes law this month. It will help states and small towns become more efficient by removing obstacles to the smooth delivery of water, such as chemical testing, health standards compliance and source regulations. Sal T. Well, Mayor of Toothless, Idaho welcomed the new law. "It's a known fact that bacteria is a necessary component of good health, Without it, you couldn't poop," he said. "And without minerals, such as arsenic, which is naturally occurring, you know, you could break a bone just standing there. It's damn time we got government off government's back. My citizens will be happy. Their water bill will be cut in half now that we can pump directly out of the slough."
Nutrition guidelines released!
The U.S. Agriculture Agency, a division of the U.S. Department of Fatherland Security, taking over nutrition guidelines from the consolidated and expunged Department of Health, released new nutrition guidelines for children and teens under 18. It recommends that diets include at least three 26 ounce servings of wheat straw per day, since there is a lot of wheat straw and not much of a market for it anywhere else.
Freedom from Regulatory Burdens Day!
Sept. 5 (formerly known as Labor Day) will be the fourth annual Freedom from Regulatory Burdens Day. And once again, homeowners are advised to take up defensive positions on their rooftops with rifles and water hoses in case one of the parades of young men dressed as clowns lobbing military grade incendiary grenades makes it way into your neighborhood. It is highly suggested -- though not required, of course -- that you dispose of the bodies of any clowns you shoot. Remember, it's not "Whatever happened to individual responsibility?" any more.
A skinny man with no facial hair, very probably a fag, was chased by a full congregation of Southern Babtists, Wednesday. The mandatory bible study group was taking a break outside the church when they saw the man on a bike with very thin tires and wearing a yellow shirt and stupid looking helmet. One of the Christians, realizing that only queers wear yellow on Wednesdays, shouted, "Hey, that's a homo!" And the group, about 75 strong, ran after the suspected peddling faggot like they were possessed by demons. Police called to the scene berated the church goers for not throwing down their bibles before beginning the chase. "Slowed them down something awful," said Deputy Buck Butz. "I thought it was yellow on Thursdays," said his partner, Deputy Skip Tulouz. Darn.
SCOTUS upholds Voting Rights Act of 2018!
By a unanimous decision the Supreme Court upheld the Republican Voting Rights Act which limits voting to owners of real property, valued not less than $250,000, and who are current in their Election Maintenance Fees of $500 per vote and who can trace their American heritage back four generations, awarding an extra vote for each generation beyond that, or who have demonstrated civic responsibility and participation by donating $10,000 or more to a political party who's name has 10 or more letters, the first of which must be R. Speaking for the Majority Justice Billy Ray "Boom-Boom" Hackett, said, "Looks good to me."
Potter to run for third term!
At a press conference in the Rose Garden, President Potter announced that he will seek a third term. When asked how he expected to get around the constitutional limit of just two four-year terms, President Potter said, "What are you talking about? This is only my first term. I've only been president for three-and-a-half years. And that's a fact. Besides, who's going to stop me? You? You pasty-faced scrawny liberals? You pussies." The White Press corps said, "Oh, OK."
Three elementary teachers were stoned senseless in Delaware for cracking jokes about Intelligent Design. Apparently, one wisecracked that the proof behind the theory was human stupidity. A 10 year old Rebecca Hunch overhead the conversation and promptly relayed as much of it as she could recall to the principal who called in Reverend Halstons from the Calvary Cavalry Church who rushed to the scene with baseball size rocks kept in the back of the church bus along with several strong and lonely Christian women.
Progress continues to be made in the re-education camps in Iowa, Nebraska, Kansas, Indiana and Oklahoma where 40 million suspected liberals from New York City, Boston, Chicago, Minneapolis-St. Paul, Seattle, Portland, San Francisco, Santa Barbara and Los Angeles are being ... straightened out. The 17 week course, written by Bill Bennet and Ralph Reed, is designed to cure a liberal of his passion, knowledge and intellect and return him to a productive life, if not as a full fledged conservative Republican, then at least as an apathetic TV watcher who will sit down and shut up and stay the hell away from the voting booths and let the manly men and womenly women get on with the saving of America in the true spirit of its founder, Ronald Reagan.